So i moved into an aparment. so umm... yay. its a decent place, my mother sayes it has alot of charitor. im currently staring at a wall that is a horrid mixture of green and tan form where someone painted over wallpaper and then riped it off. probibly lead based paint too juging form the age of the house. so i wont go licking the walls if i can help it. my rooms rather spahious- althouhgt at the moment my bed is 6 inches too short for me to actly sleep if i lay down fully(i need an extra long otherwise my feet hang off lol). i have two tabels (one for my computer set up and the other is going to be left for books and stuff to work. seats up to 5 people at it the way i have it, but i dought even one perosn will be wokring with me at it), i have my mini firge in here too and a rely large ... thing... im using it as a dresser but its a rely big wooden cabinet. its not tall, its conter hight and has 9 drows in it. big old wood thing. i like it at lest.

only been one night but things seem like there going to be ok. aside form my room theres a rely ig common room for meand my two roomates and such. its a kitchen/diningroom/liveingroom/front hall sorta deal. there is also alot of alchohol here. im notinto partys, but this is the palc most of us used to gather (due to space and things) to have fun. when its a small group of people, it is fun. partys get anyoing when there large.

im procrastingating on homework and its the first class lol. im taking summer classes. one each section of the summer. this one is strengths and so far its off to a start. maby not a good one but it is. its my job for now rely. homework every night with a test at the end of the week, but only 4 classes each week so.. eh. I failed strengthes the first time i took it. it was my falt, but i also know for a fact i can not pass a clas that is held by the teacher that i took it with. alot of people ahve alot of ishues with him. but ultimatly its becasue im not very good at this stuff. i was, but... im not sher why im not anymore. the class is larger then id expect for a summer class (and saprisingly not all guys too). the professor seems like hes rather good. next semester is fluids. again. I hate retacking classes but i far more ahte faling. i failed 3 classes last year due to what i could bascily describ as an emotional brackdown of sorts. i beelvie i figuered it out too. most people go thouhgt thos stages of wanted to find a date or whatever in highschool. i never rely did. and then suddenly (and i wont go into detail) i had this somewhat intneral need to be near somsone witch is very diffrent form how iv been befor. was alwas happy alone. but somewhere along the line it started to hert alot. wish it didnt, but cant fix it so ill get used to it again. but i failed classes becasue somehitgn changed and i was so very depresed over this. It wasnet jest one day i was depressed. it involved a girl. 3 years, and myslef refusing to beleive that i had the capactiy to fall in love or lust with anyone. not that i did, but i thouhgt i had. i wont go into it.

I still have alot of photos to post (need to resub the geko things to that group actly...). some even form AB that enver got arond to doing. I alwas have fun at AB but there alwas seems to be somehitgn i do thats stupid, or have mixed feelings for later.  im not expectign people to read this, sept a few so will expalne.this time it invloves a girl. i cant talk to women i find cute. or beautifful.. or any of the mix. this goes itno alot to do with me and understanding my attraction to people or better yet defining why im attracted to people, but also i fear offending or disturbing them. anyway, there is an artist whos work i absolutly love ... but i also find her rather cute. was abel totalk to her, and later send her a message, she actly responded, but reading her comic i can sermise that she probibly is not singal first off, and secondly would rely want nothing to do with me. so i feel like i ow her an apologey or somehitng... im not sher why. i jest feel creepy for likeing people i gess. i still want to get a few things done by her and she seems like a rather cool person to tlak to but ya... I dont rely understand humen interation on that level so i put it into a diffrent persepctive. shes cute, and shes at an anime convetions. shes probibly has alot of people creep her out and i dont want to be inclided in that, but also if im trying to buy something form her(art wise) shes natraly going to be kind worm and such. I dont know. i need to do more reserch into this type of matter. i feel bad for it thouhgt, and i dont know if i should rightly, but none the less i do.

im bad at conversation  when im afreid of the person im talking to. this is why till recently i think i literly hid from the people i want to talk to. you cant rely jest go up and be like "hay want to get lunch sometime"or coffey, dinner, a drink, ecetra. why, becasue you cant do that anymore. alot of people assume that dateing is an obligation for sex or somehitng, but its rely not. well not to me. I genuinly want to jest get to know a girl, not try to get her into bed. unfintly society has painted a picher oposit this that if your asking somsone out it has to be becasue your tryign to get somehtign form them or for them to do somehitng. dont get me worng, im not totaly disinterested in intimicy. im jest odd. i gess i like romance you could say. im in engineering thouhgt, so i dought that will happen. aside that i get more wokr done alone.


well if anyone actly read that. umm hi. otherwise meh. sometimes jest wiritng down stuff helps me think. sorry for the length.